The Fear of the Lord: When I'm Running from the King

Despite popular belief, I have a tendency to procrastinate.

Yes, even me. 

My early essay-drafting, constant agenda-planning, list-making, food-prepping, reminder-setting ways are all weak attempts to fight my very fleshly tendency towards procrastination.

I like to trick myself and call it productive procrastinating, you know the kind. The rationale of pushing things off where you accomplish every minute chore--down to reorganizing your closet and rearranging your living room--before you submit and sit to attack the only thing that actually desperately demands your attention. 

You'll understand if you're tricking yourself too. 

For years I have struggled to discipline myself, wrestled to counteract my own ways. As is the case in many areas, I've been desperately failing. 

Until now, my procrastination has yielded little in the way of harmful repercussions. The list of needs-to-get-done seems to always get done. 

Months ago, when the skies of spring had rained and the sun now reigned over the summer season, the Son who reigns called out to me.

Gabrielle, do you know what it means to fear our Father?

My soul responded in reluctant whispers; Well, no. This I know,

"And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him." - 1 John 4:16 

...God is love. Why would I fear my God. He is love. 

In my lack of understanding, I choose to chip away at the multitude of tasks that demand my immediate attention, and I brush aside studying for the spiritual test. Semesters go by reading chapter after chapter of textbooks instead of impressing on the heart the only text that matters from the very book that is the Word of Life. 

Again and again, like the relentless reminder of an alarm clock blaring snooze, the Spirit tries to wake me to a glimpse of light. 

In my flesh I am weak and my weeks slide by in selfish procrastination. Pushing off the very teachings of the Lord. 

There I was. The perfect embodiment of haughtiness, running away from responsibility. Me, with a false sense of strength. In my world. Caught up in my own fleshly procrastination.

Until now. 

Here I am. The perfect embodiment of brokenness, running to be rescued. Me, in a desperate hour with no strength at all. In a world I can't comprehend. Caught up in His infinite embrace. 

It is in this that I finally hear my Father's relentless calling for my attention. Gabrielle, do you understanding what it means to fear Me? 

No, Father. I am scared; teach me to fear You. 

My heart cries, an echo of Psalm 27,

"When You said, 'Seek My face.' My heart said to You, 'Your face, LORD, I will seek." -Psalm 27:8

And in these sinking moments, scripture sounds reassurance through my searching soul. 

"Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:12-13

Again, I fall in the flesh and surrender in all my mess of procrastination to the Lord saying, Your face, LORD, I will seek. 

He is so faithful. 

As I sit in the afternoon breeze, this verse hits me like a mighty wind, and in some tiny sinew of my sinful flesh, I know. 

I know this is a blessing.

A blessing I could only begin to receive when I began to repent.

I have run with fear of not understanding; and the fear of the Lord is precisely what I was not understanding. 

With a deep breath, I breathe God in. 

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom." -Psalm 111:10

Lord, I need wisdom.

And in scripture he repeats it to me because repetition is discipline and the Lord disciplines those he loves. 

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." - Proverbs 9:10 

Yes Lord, I need understanding too.

I find myself here, once again, wrestling to discipline my flesh.

In studying the fear of the LORD, I  submit to discipline against procrastination with prayers that I may be transformed into a disciple of proclamation. Lord, let my life be a proclamation of Your holiness.

"Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised." -Psalm 48:1