A Calling to Prayer in the Secret Place

I heard it first on a Sunday. 

With seats filled full with people and ceilings filled high with praise, the pastor settled into the book of Matthew, chapter six, and began to preach on prayer. 

Prayer, something familiar to me. Only this time the lesson was different, unexpected, a new angle of approach.

On this Sunday, I soaked in a sermon that was not about what we say, but how we pray. 

At one point I wrestled with pride, concerned about praying with fancy words and fluid thoughts and sounding to others as if I always had powerful prayers, perfect prayers. 

No fancy words here; just me, just Jesus. Just a heart spilling out simple words and mashed up, juxtaposed thoughts. Spilling out for the filling up. I spill messy prayers, and He fills with beauty.  

On this Sunday, it is a different lesson.

And what does Jesus say about how we ought to pray?

"But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly." -Matthew 6:6

So the sermon circles around this particular verse and for the next few days, my thoughts circle around it too. With each reflective thought, I realize my prayer life is not a reflection of the way Jesus is calling me to pray. 

What do my prayers look like? 

Too often, I talk to my Father on the go. Like my prayers are puzzle pieces I try to fit into my daily picture. Getting ready for the day, on the way to school, at work. And are these really prayers? 

It is sad to admit, but really they look more like side notes to God.

My heart breaks because I think maybe I'm treating God like I treat the rest of my to-dos. I think that my "prayers" are more like sticky notes to God that I scribble in the business of my day. And how silly of me to write sticky-note, after-thought prayers to a God to remind Him how much I need help every day. This He already knows. 

My "prayers" look too much like sticky notes in passing and not enough like undivided devotion and communion with God. 

I heard it first on a Sunday, but the echo of truth reverberated off the walls of a reflecting heart and repeated itself in a song, in a psalm. 

"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty." -Psalm 91:1 

It is now the middle of the week and I find myself humming this verse as a soft tune while tackling my chores. One moment, it is a repeating song, and the next, my heart stops because I hear it this time. Again, repetition gets my attention: secret place. 

I sit down and grab my Bible and frantically flip for my notes on that sermon on how we are called to pray in the secret place. My heart races with curiosity. The thrill of the hunt. 

There it is, right there. 

In Matthew 6:6, Jesus tells us that our Father "...who is in the secret place..." answers our prayers, but that we must seek Him in the secret place. 

Psalm 91:1 says that whoever dwells--spends time in, lives life in-- the secret place with God, will abide--to remain, reside--in the shadow of the Almighty. 

My thoughts jump back years to the evenings I spent with my siblings in the driveway, drawing chalk people by tracing our shadows on the pavement. My shadow was always close by. Shadows are always close to their creator, always near to their owner. 

I smile happy because it hits me here, the realization that if I dwell in the secret place with my Father, I will abide, reside, in His shadow. I will always be near to Him. 

As if these two verses weren't enough food for the soul, He keeps on giving.  

The Lord calls for me again and again, relentless singing through the same psalm, His invitation to the secret places and a deeper communion with Him. 

"For in the time of trouble, He shall hide me in His pavilion; in the secret place of His tabernacle He shall hide me; He shall set me high upon a rock." -Psalm 27:5

Not only will I find God if I pray to Him in the secret place;

(Matthew 6:6)

Not only will I abide in His shadow if I spend time in the secret place;

(Psalm 91:1)

God will hide me in His secret place when troubles come.

(Psalm 27:5)

So, yes. I heard it first on a Sunday, but it took some days to soak into the heart. 

This here, this is my calling to meet my Father in prayer in the secret place. 

A few days later, the Lord feeds me again, continually on the hunt.

"O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely." -Song of Solomon 2:14

There really is nothing sweeter than the heart calling truth of the Lord. His calling for communion with Him.

My thoughts circle back to Psalm 27--this psalm has been my home--and my heart echos this verse with it's greatest desire,

"One thing I have desired of the Lord, that will I seek; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life..." -Psalm 27:4 

He is calling me to meet Him in the secret place. 

Is the Father calling you too? 

The Fear of the Lord: Abba Father

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." -John 3:16 

"But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name." -John 1:12

Is it possible to be entirely lost and yet overwhelmingly rescued at the very same time?

And how do I form an adult explanation when I feel so shrinkingly sure I'm a child?

It is all a blur and the blur feels like pure joy and looks like playground spinning. Like two cheerful children, hands held tight with trusting embrace, spinning around and around. In the very same instant, they coexist; this child-like joy and unfailing trust that spring up in the spinning of life blurring by. 

They circle around a center and in the center, in the bulls-eye of confusion, is joy, clarity.

"The way out of confusion is to concentrate: circle around Christ. Simplicity isn't a matter of circumstances, it's a matter of focus." - Ann Voskamp

They trust the one holding them and in these hands are safety. 

I trust the only One who holds me upright in all these spinning storms and find truth; there is safety in the Savior. 

At times I wonder where all these childlike analogies come from. Why are my third-year-in-college thoughts so third grade at times? 

God is in the business of teaching through storms and in the spinning I'm shrinking because He knows the smaller I am, the larger He is. When I come crawling, He comforts and I calm; He swells and I shrink. 

The Lord makes sense of my elementary mind when my elementary mind makes sense of the fact that He is LORD. In this moment I meditate on His very name and remember that in every way, I AM is greater than i am.  

He is Father and I am child.  

This alone convicts a heart that teeters toward self-centered instead of Christ-centered. 

I come crawling to the Father for comfort in the storms of confusion and yet I wander in my own will the moment I lose sight of the Savior, the Son; The Son who the Father sent to pay my adoption fee. God sent His only begotten Son so that I could be purchased and redeemed and renamed as a child of the One True King. 

"For you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus." -Galatians 3:26

Through the greatest act of love in history, the Father sacrificed His very Son because He loves me enough to call me His daughter. 

Many thoughts spin concentric circles around a central idea. 

This lesson is a gift that I'm unwrapping, tearing open one verse at a time. 

There isn't much I can see but I can read the gift tag, From: God, To: Gabrielle, an impression like script on my heart with promises of scripture to come. 

But before the reveal comes this reminder; merely review, because my soul needs refreshing and my heart needs reminding that my very identity is found in the love of the Lord. That God didn't adopt me to hold me at a distance, but instead to draw me into an intimate relationship with Himself. I crawl to Him and I call to Him, Abba Father. 

Abba Father- "Daddy". 

In search of a deeper understanding of this deep love of the Father, I found this: 

"In scripture there are many different names used to describe God. While all the names of God are important in many ways, the name "Abba Father" is one of the most significant names of God in understanding how He relates to people. The word Abba is an Aramaic word that would most closely be translated as "Daddy." It was a common term that young children would use to address their fathers. It signifies the close, intimate relationship of a father to his child, as well as the childlike trust that a young child puts in his "daddy." 

Read more of the article here: What does it mean that God is our Abba Father? 

I am reminded that He is the Parent and I am the child.

He knows what lies ahead in this marathon trial and I'm still bent low, struggling to wind the rabbit ears of shoes laces in circles to tie up my shoe souls--or my real soul?-- for the race. In circling shoe laces I'm reminding myself to circle around Christ because He is the sure and safe knot that will hold secure when my footfalls land in unsteady places. 

Humbled in having to ask my Father, Abba Father, Daddy, will you tie my shoes? Will you give me strength? Will you hold my hand? Will you run with me always? 

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." -Deuteronomy 31:8 

I leave the start line and, with each step, I unwrap a little more of this God given gift.

The Father goes before me to show me wisdom,
just as His Son went before me to show me the way. 

"The secret of the Lord is with those who fear Him..." -Psalm 25:14

My Abba Father lays out scripture like a cheerio-trail before me. 

A verse.

and another step...

A verse.

and another step...and one cheerio of truth after the next, I eat of the wisdom of His word and my nourishment comes from the knowledge that my Father places in front of me. 

He is the Leader and I am the learner. I pick up each cheerio-verse and the circles in my childlike analogies remind me to circle around Christ. 

I give thanks for his never ending faithfulness to teach me and to love me and to call me His child. Each verse is another clue to my searching heart, my seeking question: Father, teach me what it means to fear You. 

I'm still unwrapping but this much I know. This "Abba" intimacy between God and His children is intimately woven with understanding the fear of the Father. 

He is so faithful. 

His trail of scripture is never ending and I follow it in search of the secret.

"The secret of the Lord is with those who fear Him..." -Psalm 25:14

The Fear of the Lord: When I'm Running from the King

Despite popular belief, I have a tendency to procrastinate.

Yes, even me. 

My early essay-drafting, constant agenda-planning, list-making, food-prepping, reminder-setting ways are all weak attempts to fight my very fleshly tendency towards procrastination.

I like to trick myself and call it productive procrastinating, you know the kind. The rationale of pushing things off where you accomplish every minute chore--down to reorganizing your closet and rearranging your living room--before you submit and sit to attack the only thing that actually desperately demands your attention. 

You'll understand if you're tricking yourself too. 

For years I have struggled to discipline myself, wrestled to counteract my own ways. As is the case in many areas, I've been desperately failing. 

Until now, my procrastination has yielded little in the way of harmful repercussions. The list of needs-to-get-done seems to always get done. 

Months ago, when the skies of spring had rained and the sun now reigned over the summer season, the Son who reigns called out to me.

Gabrielle, do you know what it means to fear our Father?

My soul responded in reluctant whispers; Well, no. This I know,

"And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him." - 1 John 4:16 

...God is love. Why would I fear my God. He is love. 

In my lack of understanding, I choose to chip away at the multitude of tasks that demand my immediate attention, and I brush aside studying for the spiritual test. Semesters go by reading chapter after chapter of textbooks instead of impressing on the heart the only text that matters from the very book that is the Word of Life. 

Again and again, like the relentless reminder of an alarm clock blaring snooze, the Spirit tries to wake me to a glimpse of light. 

In my flesh I am weak and my weeks slide by in selfish procrastination. Pushing off the very teachings of the Lord. 

There I was. The perfect embodiment of haughtiness, running away from responsibility. Me, with a false sense of strength. In my world. Caught up in my own fleshly procrastination.

Until now. 

Here I am. The perfect embodiment of brokenness, running to be rescued. Me, in a desperate hour with no strength at all. In a world I can't comprehend. Caught up in His infinite embrace. 

It is in this that I finally hear my Father's relentless calling for my attention. Gabrielle, do you understanding what it means to fear Me? 

No, Father. I am scared; teach me to fear You. 

My heart cries, an echo of Psalm 27,

"When You said, 'Seek My face.' My heart said to You, 'Your face, LORD, I will seek." -Psalm 27:8

And in these sinking moments, scripture sounds reassurance through my searching soul. 

"Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:12-13

Again, I fall in the flesh and surrender in all my mess of procrastination to the Lord saying, Your face, LORD, I will seek. 

He is so faithful. 

As I sit in the afternoon breeze, this verse hits me like a mighty wind, and in some tiny sinew of my sinful flesh, I know. 

I know this is a blessing.

A blessing I could only begin to receive when I began to repent.

I have run with fear of not understanding; and the fear of the Lord is precisely what I was not understanding. 

With a deep breath, I breathe God in. 

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom." -Psalm 111:10

Lord, I need wisdom.

And in scripture he repeats it to me because repetition is discipline and the Lord disciplines those he loves. 

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." - Proverbs 9:10 

Yes Lord, I need understanding too.

I find myself here, once again, wrestling to discipline my flesh.

In studying the fear of the LORD, I  submit to discipline against procrastination with prayers that I may be transformed into a disciple of proclamation. Lord, let my life be a proclamation of Your holiness.

"Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised." -Psalm 48:1