"And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever."
1 John 2:17 (NKJ)
Squeezed in the middle of oldest gets the front seat and youngest
gets a piggy-back ride, I am number three in a crowd of five kids and for a
while, that was my identity. A trail of ducklings that waddled through
childhood in age-order and I keep it a secret but really, the middle child gets
the best place of all: independence.
I was brought up in a Christian family, exposed to
the Bible and its teachings from a very young age. Sacrifice, Salvation,
Savior, Surrender, all words I had woven into my vocabulary of the factually
understood; but knowing in the brain and knowing in the heart are worlds apart
and so I lived with my identity in the world.
There’s a sense of security in testing out new
things, wading in the shallow waters of life, just steps away from comfort
zone. But I was born independent number three, the dive-deep type and so if you
asked me about myself, there was little hesitation.
My days were
a mess of mud pie mixing and skateboard riding, tree fort climbing and snow
ball throwing. In third grade I’d tell you I was Gabrielle, the tom-boy.
Scraped knees turned to smooth keys as I practiced
hours a day, fingers dancing and metronomes ticking to a melody that consumed
my being. In sixth grade I knew who I was—Gabrielle,
the pianist.
It happened first in middle school. That awkward
stage of getting taller and feeling smaller all at the same time, the feeling
of not knowing where I fit and so my identity became a sticker with nothing to
cling to…except a report card.
By the end of high school, clubs
outnumbered courses, varsity was synonymous with valuable and GPA was life or
death. I plowed my way through semesters and sports seasons standing on the
fact that I was able to accomplish whatever tasks I took on through my own
strength, diligence, and hard work. With four years coming to a close, I had
figured out who I was—Gabrielle, the
graduation speaker.
My identity was buried in my
accomplishments so deep that pride had slammed shut any window for a lord in my
life. I had made the world my dictionary, my identity, my value, and the things
of the world lorded over me.
Then, amidst blizzard snow and a spirit numb to
life, God did an amazing thing; He began to melt a frozen heart. With tear
soaked cheeks I sat trembling in the congregation of a community church,
trembling with joy and love and peace, the symphony of emotions that sounds in
the presence of Jesus.
But I kept on being independent and being logical and being stubborn and God kept on keeping pace and giving grace. It was the pursuit of the undeserving. It wasn't until the following winter, when I had exhausted all that I was, that I reached the end of myself.
In a city ruled by desire and secularism, I found
myself in way over my head and struggled day after day to keep up with the
world’s expectations for me as well as those standards I had set for myself. I
struggled with anxiety I had never faced before. I was physically broken, weak,
exhausted and lonely yet through every struggle, I was led by a faithful mother
who turned my gaze upon the Savior who loves the lost and lonely.
“For
the Son of Man came to seek and save those who are lost” Luke 19:10 (NLT)
The year had stomped on my pride, and
worn my body weak and withering into the loving arms of Jesus. On the cold tile
floor of the seventh story dorm room, I gave my heart to the Lord. One of my
favorite quotes from scripture reminds me of God’s faithful promise every day.
“But
they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up
with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and
not faint.”-Isaiah 40:31(NKJ)
On an undeserving daughter, God has poured out
Peace "...and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding..." Philippians 4:7
Strength "...He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the Lord." Psalm 31:24
Love "...God is love." 1 John 4:8
Hope "...I think toward you, says the Lord...to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
Joy "Do not sorrow, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10
Rest "Come to Me... and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
Despite my perfectionism, I can never
and will never be perfect in the eyes of the Lord; yet He loves me anyway,
unconditionally. He continues to reveal to me, every day, the areas of my life
which are not pleasing to Him and shows me what I must work on in a loving and
gentle way. Who could ask for a better teacher than the one true God who will
never leave our sides?
I now find my identity in a Savior, who gives more security in life than any career could offer, whose love is stronger and more passionate than Nicolas Sparks could ever explain, and whose knowledge reaches far beyond the value of a 4.0 I pray that my life would unashamedly shout my new-found identity in Christ--Gabrielle, child of the One True King. God has changed and renewed me, and I will live the rest of my life giving thanks, praise, glory and myself to Him.
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